So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
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What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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