My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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