Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
