do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
