just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
