OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
