Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
