i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize