if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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