if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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