A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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