she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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