U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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