god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
they need to just BURY HIM!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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