You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
