if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
