my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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