I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
