I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
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SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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