We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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