i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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