6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
