I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
