whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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