either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Less talking, more tequila
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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