I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
