Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
