Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
