1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
