We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
