She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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