I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
