Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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