remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have started to decorate penises.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
