his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
