i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
