can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
