can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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