Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
