im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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