you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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