just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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