Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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