why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
