He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
