I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
