This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
