hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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