So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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