I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
