Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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