Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
