it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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