It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
