Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
