New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
