the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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