Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
soo... how was my night?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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