she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
